CAUTION: Today’s topic might be considered a little on the sad and “personal” side, so please proceed with caution. (Read time: 10 minutes.)
Some of you know this about me already, some of you may not. 3 months ago, from today, my husband and I found out that we had a miscarriage. I was only 8 weeks into my pregnancy, but had seen the baby’s heartbeat in our previous appointment. I don’t really know what happened. The doctor told me, once I saw the heartbeat, there’s a less than 5% chance of miscarrying, but something went wrong that I’ve slowly learned to accept.
Coping with my miscarriage has NOT been easy, I have to admit. There are days where I’m okay, I know God has a plan for us, and I embrace it. There are other days, however, where I can’t help but feel emotionally unstable and express my emotions through tears. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to write these things in hopes that you feel bad for me or anything. My purpose for writing is solely for you to get to know me better and experience the “ins and outs” of who I really am. This is who I am.
Sometimes I hide behind my “happy” exterior only to prevent others from seeing my pain and sorrows. That’s always how I’ve been growing up. I usually keep to myself and the days where I find myself in need of “healing,” are usually the days where I lock myself in a room and just cry. I don’t like to express the “negative” aspects of my personality because I feel the need to be strong for everyone. I don’t know why I do this.
I know it’s completely natural to express ourselves in certain ways. Even when my doctor (who saw the heartbeat with me) told me the news, I held back my tears and fought the urge. It almost pains me to make others “uncomfortable.” Naturally, when I’m by myself or lying in bed before I sleep, it’ll all pour out..no..I should say FLOOD out. Sometimes my husband doesn’t even know what to say, but I appreciate him just being there. He’s been amazingly supportive and understanding throughout this whole experience. Not to say that he’s an expert in how to handle miscarriages, but he was honest right from the get go. He said, “I know it wasn’t my body and I won’t know exactly how you feel, but just know this affects me too.”
So, in these past few months, I’ve spent my days trying to live normally. Of course, I will never forget what happened, but at some point you have to move on because life still goes on. The reality that I’ve learned is that miscarriages are completely common! Who knew, right? I mean…my mom never had them so I just naturally thought it wouldn’t happen to me. It actually has a 60% chance of occurring in your first trimester.. 60%! That’s a lot folks! So, learning of the commonality of all this actually helped me focus on the fact that it couldn’t have been entirely my fault. That’s probably the worst thing any women could do is blame herself for a miscarriage happening.
Probably one of the hardest things for me to do was retelling all of my family and friends what happened. Because, again, I hate when people are uncomfortable and if I happened to forget to tell them the news, their usual response is “Sorry, I didn’t know.” It’s totally not anyone’s fault and they shouldn’t have to apologize for my inability to tell them. However, naturally, I feel bad automatically. And then, tears start forming in my eyes, and I don’t know how to have the conversation with them. Having the conversation about losing someone, anyone, is always difficult.
Anyhow, thank you for listening to my reflection for the day. I would lie if I told you I’m as strong as can be. One thing that I know for sure and that has been my motto since college is that “Everything happens for a reason.” I truly am a believer of that statement and it’s always got me through the good and bad times. I’m thankful for everyone who has been there for me and have helped me overcome all this. Honestly, I do feel like a stronger person..a stronger woman. I feel I can overcome great challenges, even though I never imagined myself this strong. But there’s always a reason! In some ways I am a bit reassured in that God actually believed me strong enough to handle all this. Thanks for the compliment! There’s a really great poem I found that really fits well in explaining my feelings. Click here if you would like to read it.
On this site, I found a helpful list on how to cope with miscarriage. I’ve actually been doing pretty well in crossing things off this list, which is probably a good sign.
Specific Tips to Cope with Miscarriages
These tips may also be helpful in coping with your grief:
Honor your babyMy husband and I were able to bury the baby in a special place.
Sometimes it helps to memorialize your baby in a manner that is meaningful to you. Some women like to keep a statue of an angel or a pendant (numerous online retailers sell miscarriage memorial jewelry). Others may plant a tree or special garden.
Keep a journalWell, hey, good thing I started this blog, huh!
Writing down your feelings can be surprisingly cathartic, particularly if you do not have anyone to talk to in person.
Find a support groupI have some pretty amazing friends who have been there for me. Thanks guys!
It can help to be around others who are going through the same thing as you are. Sometimes local hospitals offer a support group or other service for people coping with pregnancy loss, but if nothing is available in person, numerous online support groups exist.
Take time offMy husband and I have actually been blessed to be able to take little mini-trips, here and there. It really does help to get away for a bit.
Especially in the immediate aftermath of your miscarriage, you may not want to be around people. If you can, take a vacation and get away from it all for a while.
Pick up a new hobbyHave I told you that I started a Belly Dancing class? Yup, something I’ve always wanted to do, looks like it was perfect timing!
Almost everyone has some hobby that they want to pursue someday but just never “get around to it.” Deciding to take the leap and get started can provide a wonderful distraction from your daily life, particularly if you want to try to conceive again but have been advised to wait.
Happy Wednesday my friends!